Ah, yes – assertiveness – the one human trait that can leave any of us at odds. It’s definitely one of the least understood human characteristics.
What is assertive behaviour and what isn’t it? Let’s dive into the subject.
Why The Confusion?
Well, this is the easy part!
Many people believe that being assertive and being aggressive are the same thing. But that’s not true!
Assertiveness is a skill which can help you communicate your point of view in a way where you stand up for your rights, but also respect the rights of others. This can help you nurture great relationships, resolve conflicts, and build better rapport, just to name a few.
Aggressiveness, on the other hand, is when you don’t respect the other person’s opinions or rights. Instead you try to impose your opinions or thoughts on everyone else. As you might imagine, this can damage relationships, escalate conflicts, harm your reputation .. and a whole lot more.
What Is Assertive Behaviour?
Assertive behaviour is your ability to express your needs, opinions and preferences in a very clear, but considerate way.
So, you will get your point across honestly and confidently, and without being rude or inconsiderate.
Assertive people make it a habit to not only respect themselves but also others. All the while, they don’t shy away from saying no, or asking for what they want, or disagreeing with others if needed.
Behaving this way is very rewarding on its own. It’s a lifetime skill, which is often boosted by assertiveness training, that you can use to achieve your goals, boost your self confidence, and improve relationships by building trust and rapport.
What Is Aggressive Behaviour?
Aggressive behaviour, on the other hand, is about imposing your own needs, opinions and preferences on other people in a forceful, and even hostile way, if need be.
This will mean that you can be rude and disrespectful towards others just to get your point across without considering the impact it might have on them.
Aggressiveness should be avoided at all costs. Most of us have dealt with plenty of aggreesive people throughout our lives – and we see how they tend to harm relationships, damage their own reputation, as well as create unnecessary stress and even conflict.
How Can You Tell If Someone Is Being Assertive Or Aggressive?
That’s a mighty good question! After all, an assertive person may have aggressive tendencies … if they haven’t entirely mastered how to behave.
When you try to distinguish between the two, pay attention to the person’s body language, tone of voice, and the words they use.
Assertive people, for example, always use a firm, calm and polite tone with a relaxed and open body language. They tend to use a lot of “I” statements: like “I feel that…” or “I believe…”, and so on.
This is because they want to communicate in a respectful and understanding manner, where both parties can actually be in a “win-win” situation.
Aggressive people are the opposite. They often use a harsh and loud tone of voice to get their point across – maybe with a generous dose of sarcasm!
Their body language is almost always tense, closed, and even threatening. They tend to use a lot of “you” statements: like “You did…” or “You always…”, and the like.
Their intention is to dominate, or even control, others, which invariably leads to a “win-lose” situation.
Let’s quickly sum up assertive vs. aggressive:
Assertive people are
Solution focused – Looking for solutions that always allow both parties to walk away as ‘winners’.
Respectful – They hold people responsible for their actions but in a civil manner. They establish clear boundaries in their relationships. They also communicate their intentions in a transparent and respectful way.
Use of “I” – They tend to use “I” statements frequently as they communicate in a way to share their concerns, goals, and dilemmas.
Controlled/open body language – They always keep their hands visible, using respectful and meaningful hand gestures, as well as maintaining reasonable eye contact throughout the conversation. Their intentions can be seen or judged easily based on their body language and tone of voice.
Aggressive people are
Self-focused – Aggressive people seek to “win all or nothing”, even if that means losing the other party’s trust and respect.
Inconsiderate/disrespectful – They are disrespectful and/or inconsiderate communicators. Their choice of words and tone of voice tend to escalate situations, build walls, and burn bridges.
Use of “you” – They make a lot of threatening and judgmental “you” statements, pointing fingers and shifting blame whenever possible.
Domineering/closed body language – Their eye contact is often either too little (disrespectful) or too much (intimidating) and can rely on using emotionally charged gestures and a loud voice to dominate others.
Conclusion: How To Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive
Knowing the difference between assertive and non-assertive behaviour can be confusing. After all, how do you actually be assertive and get your point across without showing any sign of aggression or disrespect towards the other person?
Let’s take an individual who decides to report discriminatory hiring practices;
Assertive approach – The person decides to raise a caution flag because:
- They’d feel guilty if they didn’t speak up – so this is out of their own self-respect.
- They approach the hiring manager and ask them to remedy the situation – which is out of respect for others.
This person is displaying assertive behaviour as they care for both themselves and others.
Aggressive approach – The person decides to raise the issue but their methods and motives are very different. For example:
- They escalate the matter to the corporate compliance officer and not the hiring manager, even though the hiring manager is closer to the problem and is in a better position to deal with it.
- Their aim here could be seen as ultimately winning, and satisfying their own ego by showing how savvy they are.
This person is displaying aggressive or non-assertive behaviour for only their own personal gain.
This article has shed some valuable light on the difference between assertive and aggressive behaviour. And hopefully you will have the means to follow the right path … and reap the rewards that follow!
